Just to clarify,

A) I don't have Asthma, and no, this isn't set out to belittle the condition, nor is it going to take the piss out of anyone who suffers from it.

B) I'm not an Ant.

The phrase came from Blackadder, who described their rate of advance as that as of "an asthmatic Ant wih a load of heavy shopping..."

Sadly, this sums up my progress in my aim to become a Cyclist..